One of Those Meetings

Early in the meeting: We’re not meeting our productivity goals, so everyone has to step it up and work faster.

Later in the meeting: There have been some mistakes so make sure you’re slowing down and checking your work.

Early in the meeting: Work-life balance is important. We understand you have lives and families.

Later in the meeting: Stay late to finish that online training, and we need an extra person to work Saturday.

Early in the meeting: Everybody should be taking their allotted breaks. Make sure you’re taking care of yourselves.

Later in the meeting: Don’t leave for a break if it’s busy, it’s not fair to your coworkers (btw, it’s always busy). Remember we’re a team, folks! Keep up the good work! Don’t forget, next week’s meeting is a potluck. (In other words, spend time at home making something to bring to work that may or may not be eaten.)

While I try to figure out how to work faster while slowing down to check my work, and take care of my wellbeing by not taking breaks, I feel like this contradictory messaging could be accomplished just as easily in an email. Sure, nobody would read the email. But let’s be honest, nobody really listens at the meetings either.

Oh yeah, then there’s the scanner. The one designed to scan about five pages a day, which is used to scan hundreds of pages a day. It communicates its discontent by jamming every third page or so.

This has been a fictional tale based on real events. I’m gonna go drink a beer and watch Office Space now.